Love, Loss, Grief, 2023

Grieving deeply is the consequence of loving deeply.

2023 has been a very dark year, personally. I have lost two of my absolute soulmates; Otis and Lizzie. I’m still having a difficult time even talking about them without becoming overcome with grief.  I have avoided sharing this because when I do, that means I have to acknowledge that they’re not here and that’s too painful. But for them, I will.

Left to right: Nero, Lizzie, Dougy, Otis

Otis was by my side for nearly 15 years. He passed away on October 20, 2023, in his bed, by my feet as I sat at my desk. That is where he always was when I was working. Often getting his curly tail tangled in the cords and accidentally unplugging everything.  If I got up, he got up too. A big, softy of a gentleman who didn’t have one mean bone in his body. Even the chipmunks and squirrels that visit my back deck knew that. They’d come right up to him while he sunned himself without fear.

Sweet, kind Otis

He was always content to stay in the background and let others go ahead of him. I never heard him growl, ever.  He’d never even showed the slightest bit of aggression. The only time he’d make much noise is when we’d be going for a walk or car ride - he’d be so excited that he’d scream like someone stepped on his foot! I’m sure that people who didn’t know him thought he was hurt.

Handsome, gentle, stoic, Otis.

Otis was a beautiful and stoic pug-man who gave his love to me unconditionally and unencumbered. When I returned home from witnessing and photographing animals in terrible situations, I knew he’d be there to comfort me. He’d snuggle right in beside me without hesitation or making a sound. He intuitively knew when I needed comforting. He was my rock. My safety net from falling into despair. 15 years. I don't know how to live without him.

Otis and I.

Otis and I at a vigil for the pigs in Toronto, 2011

It was because of my love for Otis that I opened my home to a pug rescue. Lizzie was my first foster… and my first foster failure. She came to me as a temporary home in 2011, at around 2 years old, and never left. Her previous people used her to make pug babies but she barked too much, they said. Maybe she was objecting to being a baby-making slave. But I’m so grateful that she came to rescue, and to me.

Lizzie in the early morning sun

From the moment she came through the door she let us know that she was the boss now. And that’s what I loved about her. Bossy, feisty, enthusiastic, funny, protective, brave. She loved the water and would fearlessly dive into lakes, pools, puddles, swamps, showers, anywhere there was H2O.

Lizzie in her favourite place: the water.

Lizzie was huge personality in a little, sturdy body. No one could enter the house without her inspection and approval first. If I or my son weren’t feeling well - physically or emotionally - she’d lay on top of us like a mother protecting her brood. For 13 years she was the matriarch of our family. She was Dougy’s best friend. She was so deeply loved. Lizzie left us on March 1, 2023.

Lizzie and I.

I am not a good foster parent. I failed 2 more times with my darling pocket-pug Nero, and sweet Dougy who came from a horrible abuse situation. Mercifully, they are both are still here today and we grieve together. Dougy has not been the same since Lizzie passed, they were best friends.

Happy faces. Happy days. The “grumble”. From top, clockwise: Otis, Nero, Dougy, Lizzie.

For the last nearly 15 years it’s always been “Louise and the pugs”. We are a team, a supportive, inter-species family. Because they are all within a few years of age, I was anxiously aware that I’d experience a lot of loss one day. But I wasn’t prepared for this much grief. It feels so very raw, like a physical rip. Grief rises and falls like a well of water in my chest. Often flowing over the rim and out my eyes. When love is deep, so too is the grief. Deep grief is the consequence of loving deeply.

Dougy and Nero missing their family

When I think of the intensity of sadness that I, my son, Nero and Dougy, feel for the loss of our beloved Otis and Lizzie, I am also reminded of the grief that billions of farmed animals are experiencing every day as friends and families are torn apart and killed. Being a highly empathetic person, my spirit is heavy with their grief too.

Lizzie and Otis. I really think they had a lifelong crush on each other.

Grief is awful and unavoidable in life. Why would anyone want to be the deliberate cause of it? When we have the ability and the knowledge to be better, we must. We have a duty to be compassionate healers for those who suffer and grieve, not the cause. For all species.

Otis’ hand in mine, shortly after he passed. October 20, 2023